The Mistake of All or Nothing
We are stuck in an ego-centric paradigm where we think that strength and power are achieved by defeating the opposition. Our way of trying to meet our basic needs is often competitive negotiation where the object is to win. We all know that to play this game you demand far more than you actually need. If you want to sell your house for $400,000 for example, you may put it on the market for $800,000.
Under the influence of the ego, getting more than we need is the only way to feel secure or safe. We don’t consider what we actually want, but rather how much we can get. We end up fighting to deny the other any of their needs, thinking that anything they get is a loss for us.
This makes bitter power struggles out of ordinary conflicts, and ensures that the conflict perpetuates. The side that loses often wants revenge, and both sides lose any sense of trust or safety in their relationship. Meanwhile the actual needs that started the conflict are not recognized or addressed.
We often fight with each other in order to get more wealth or power, or to force others to abide by our moral values. This has nothing to do with getting what we really want. It is a contest to see who can get more, and who will win the fight. And this leads to accumulating more than we need, creating scarcity, and depriving others of their basic needs.
We are stuck in this self-defeating pattern as long as we adhere to the dictates of our ego. It is this false sense of self that demands that we prove ourselves right and others wrong. It thrives on conflict and opposition. And while we are blindly following our ego-programming, our real needs are neglected and we grow more depressed, resentful, and polarized.
In the gamesmanship of competitive negotiation, we don’t ask why each side wants their proposed solution. We don’t take the time to find out what the real needs are underneath the demands. And this makes a creative solution in which both sides could get their actual needs met nearly impossible.
In the case of the abortion conflict in the United States, each side has demanded an outcome the other side cannot live with. Each side is afraid to give anything to the other side because they fear that they will lose ground in the battle.
Abortion advocates want no government interference and to give total control to the woman to decide to end a pregnancy or not. And abortion opponents want all abortion to be illegal under any circumstances, so that no embryo can ever be removed from a woman’s body.
In this power struggle, neither side thinks that they can afford to listen to the actual needs of the other for fear of losing their leverage. There is no real dialogue or interest in understanding the other. We think that understanding the other side and considering their needs weakens our position and diminishes our chance of winning. And this makes it impossible for the needs of each side to be met.
Serving the Good of the Whole
A leader’s responsibility is to serve the good of the whole. This cannot happen as long as politicians vilify the opposition and engage in competitive negotiation like we are seeing today.
We are all served by a process that recognizes our individual needs. And we often need help to negotiate collaboratively with others who appear to have different needs or priorities. An effective leader provides the safety, support, and relationship skills for this kind of constructive dialogue.
To reach a solution that both sides can live with requires flexibility, creativity, and surrender on the part of each side. We have to become self-aware enough to discover our real needs, and courageous enough to let go of our ego’s demands. Then we can learn how to advocate for our needs, while also listening to understand the other person’s needs.
When I work with couples as a communication skills coach, or mediate a conflict, my job is to help each person understand what they really want. I ask each side why they want their preferred solution, and what they will get if they get it. This is the essential “discovery process” in the technology of collaborative negotiation.
Along the way I encourage each side to let go of demands that don’t meet their needs, and allow room for the other’s needs when it does not impact them negatively. This is a conscious process of give and take that builds trust and strengthens relationships. No one has to surrender what they most need, and the process is not over until both sides can live with the final solution.
Collaboration is different from compromise. It is a more creative, skillful, and nuanced approach as I have been describing. It is not simply splitting the difference.
Collaborative negotiation prompts a responsible expression of the basic emotions and needs on both sides in a safe and respectful dialogue. This allows the tension to be eased and a solution to be crafted that meets the actual needs, not the forceful demands of the ego to be right or win.
In a collaborative problem-solving process, each side is expressing what they most need. No one is trying to take all or dominate the other. And when we ask for only what we need, there is usually enough to go around. If we apply our creative thinking and create new solutions, everyone can get their basic needs met.
In this process everyone can win, and no one has to use force or violence to get what they want. Relationships can transform from adversaries to allies. And we can get our essential needs met for connection, belonging, safety, security, and social cohesion.
Our candidates for leadership could be offering us this kind of skillful guidance and direction. Instead of fighting like children, they could model respectful communication. They could speak clearly about what they want and demonstrate an understanding of what the other side wants, without judgements.
That would position us as a nation to pull together, instead of pushing apart. And this would encourage the rest of the world to do the same.
It is clear now that our survival requires us to work together toward a common goal of supporting the vital eco systems of this precious planet. We have to learn to collaborate instead of compete if we are going to sustain the human race and the rest of life on earth.
P.S. Election Day is Tuesday, November 5, 2024 in the United States. Don't forget to get out and make your voice heard. Visit Vote.org to check if you are registered to vote, find your polling location or learn more information about how to register to vote.
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