Winter holidays are here, and for many of us that means social gatherings with family. On the heals of such a contentious presidential election, there may be more tension than usual. With that in mind, here are some skills to consider for difficult conversations that may occur.
Avoid Becoming Defensive
When a family member challenges your perspective, your first impulse may be to tell them why they are wrong and assert your opinion. This normally causes the conversation to become heated. And if it goes unchecked, the emotions on both sides can spiral out of control.
When we argue over who is right, no one is heard or understood. Often feelings are hurt and trust and safety is eroded. The consequence is an uncomfortable distance between you that strains the relationship.
You can avoid this by reminding yourself that you know what you think. You don’t need anyone else’s approval or recognition. If someone disagrees, it does not have to threaten your values or opinions. Take a moment now to acknowledge that your perspective is valid and does not depend on anyone else recognizing it.
Notice Emotional Charges as they Arise
The most important skill is to be aware of when your emotions become charged. Notice when some part of your body tenses up, your heart begins to race, or you feel hot or agitated.
These are signals to take care of yourself. Take a deep breath and slowly exhale. Relax your body. Take a time out and do something nourishing and calming.
Taking a moment to collect yourself when you notice your emotions rising can avoid the worst conflicts in family gatherings. You will be more centered and able to choose how you want to respond. And, if someone else seems to be getting emotionally charged, that is a good time to try using listening skills.
Listening to Understand
No matter what another person is saying or how passionate they are about their opinions, you can always listen in order to simply understand them. The key to this skill is remembering that understanding someone does not mean you agree with them or condone their behavior.
An effective format for this skill is reflecting back what you heard in three parts:
Feelings (raw emotions)
Facts (the situation that triggered the emotions)
and Impacts (how that situation impacts the person speaking in a tangible way).
This might sound like:
“So you feel upset about the results of the election because you are concerned about the harm this next administration could do to our democratic institutions?”
Or, “It sounds like you are excited about the election results because you think this next administration will straighten out our government and make it work better for working people?”
This response is asked as a question to clarify what you understood the other person to
be saying. Repeating back what someone said in order to understand them can calm things down because their opinion and experience is being acknowledged.
To do this effectively you need to set aside your own opinions and experience. Let it be about them for a moment. Just see if you can understand where they are coming from.
Once they are heard, the other person is usually more relaxed and you have a sense of
connection. This is not the superficial connection of agreeing on values, opinions, or solutions. This is a deeper, more authentic connection of understanding another person’s point of view.
You don’t lose anything by understanding their perspective. If you are clear about your own view and don’t need their approval, it does not diminish you in any way.
Stretching yourself to understand them is a gift that you can give to your family member. And you get a sense of connection from it that makes your world larger and more whole.
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